I have been reading Elizabeth Gilbert's follow up to Eat, Pray, Love. Its called Committed. Basically, she and her Brazilian boyfriend, who swore never to marry again after both going through a divorce in the past, are being forced to marry by the Department of Homeland Security. She is terrified of the idea and while they are living in exile awaiting clearance for Felipe to return to the US, she travels throughout southeast Asia researching and contemplating what marriage means.
If you aren't married, don't read it. If you are married, don't read it. It is a horribly negative portrayal of marriage. Its 200 (ish) pages of negativity with a few pages of things turning out decent in the end. And frankly, it is a little depressing.
I bring up the book because as Gilbert explores different intellectual approaches to marriage, she touches on a concept that I particularly love. One that I have often thought about and the real reason for my post today. In one passage, she considers that the poet Jack Gilbert wrote that marriage happens "between the memorable." Again, her take is slightly tinged with pessimism, but I think it is a beautiful idea. Its a concept that I think about as 'the space between.'
Life is busy. We often find ourselves just getting through the week, looking forward to our next big trip, big party, holiday, or whatever it is excites you. We measure our years in those fun times and in the emergencies or tragedies that we endure.
That's not what life is. Life is the space between all of that. The times that you sit on the couch, cuddled up and watching reality tv, content to be with someone you love. The times that you fix dinner and have it together. The times that you want to be lazy and just order Chinese takeout instead. The times that you spend laughing, talking, napping, strolling, and living your life. Telephone calls, emails and texts with friends and family who are not close just to say hi and see how you are doing. Times with your spouse, your children, your family, your friends, your pets, your coworkers. It is by these moments that I judge if I am happy.
Perhaps my perspective can be partially attributed to the role of the military in our lives. Perhaps distance really does make the heart grow fonder. But without a doubt, I missed K terribly when he was unable to be with me and my family after my grandmother died. I will surely miss him on Valentine's Day. But more than anything, I miss sitting on the couch with him and talking about the day. I miss waking up next to him. I miss cooking dinner, drinking wine, singing songs and laughing with him. I miss our life... the space between.
Nine years ago today, K & I went on our first date. It seems like a miracle that I want to be with him now more than ever. As luck would have it, in 39 days, we will be living together again (out of a car!) and I am sure we will be deliriously happy. We will have fun in our big stops (Charleston, Louisville, St. Louis, Kansas City...) but we will probably have more fun playing games, listening to NPR podcasts and talking in the car... in the space between.
